Reader Q&A

A. Dear Anonymous,
I think it is always better to try to talk things out with your partner. How about you try to talk to him about what is going on between the two of you and try to listen when he responds. Most of all, refuse to get into an argument with him. Arguing is often one way to avoid dealing with the real issues, so if you refuse to be pulled into an argument, you might just have a chance to get to the truth.
~Your Relationship Coach

**Featured Question**

Q: I'm just at the point of bringing a new email "relationship" to the next level of an actual date. Any tips on making our first encounter work? Or tips in general?
~Anonymous

A. Dear Anonymous,
I would like to offer you some tips for meeting people online and then dating them. Specifically, it is important to remember that meeting someone online is different than meeting people during the course of everyday life. Therefore, relationships formed online need special handling while you get to know each other.

1. If you meet someone online and either feel chemistry or think there may be a potential, set up an in-person meeting.

   I suggest you do this sooner rather than later, as soon as possible in fact. You want to really meet the person and perhaps form a relationship with him or her, and not form a relationship with his or her online persona only. No matter how honest and forthright a person is, you cannot fully experience someone while solely interacting online - you only get a one-dimensional take. Too many times I have seen people falling in love online or by email, only to meet and find out they are not very compatible.
   

2. Have low expectations and see if you can be detached from the outcome of the first meeting.

   It is stressful to meet someone new, even more stressful if you have gotten to know each other in the artificial environment of online dating. Don't add to either of your discomfort by having huge expectations about how things will turn out. See if you can allow for chemistry, perhaps a relationship. But if not, allow for friendship or some other significant connection.
   

3. Stay safe during the meeting.

   This almost goes without saying, but I will say it anyway. Meet this new person in a well-populated public place only, and remain in the public place for the entire date. If there are more dates with this person, meet in public place until the two of you really get to know each other. And while you are out on these dates, have your cell phone with you, have a back up plan to take care of yourself and let a close friend or family member know where you are and who you are with.
   

4. If you meet online first, then meet in person and like each other, you still need plenty of time to establish the relationship.

   When everything goes right and the person you met online turns out to be just the person you like/want/are attracted to, still take time to get to know each other in everyday, real life. As far as I can tell from coaching hundreds of singles, the biggest predictor of a successful relationship is the amount of time a couple takes to get to know each other, in person. In other words, if you take three months of real life dating to get to know each other, you are more likely to have a successful relationship than if you got to know each other mostly online, or if you jumped into a relationship quickly.
   

5. Do not get physically intimate until you know each other in real life.

   To follow up on the above, the second biggest predictor of a successful relationship, as far as I can see, is establishing intimacy slowly. Really, there is nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults, except that it creates a false sense of intimacy. Once you sleep with someone, you will often feel close and endearing toward each other. You will tend to overlook incompatibilities, which may otherwise make this relationship a "no go." Unfortunately, this sense of intimacy will last at the outmost for about 3 months, at which point all things you could not see or refused to see in the beginning will reveal themselves. It's better to see things as they are at the start and have a choice about whether or not to go forward with the relationship.