Changing Your Partner

The following are three schools of thought on changing another's behavior and an alternative to each one. You will find the alternatives more useful, easier to implement and more effective.

School of Thought I:

You may never change another, nor may you request change. Seeking change in another is avoiding changing yourself. Your partner is showing you something you don't like in yourself. The change must happen within you. You must strive to become such that the other's behavior no longer bothers you.

The Alternative:

Look at yourself first. If you still find yourself needing to make a request, do it. This will give you the opportunity to practice the vital skills of asking for what you want and
negotiating.

However, do be aware - making an effective request is definitely a skill. To learn this skill, please read next week's newsletter.

School of Thought II:

You must demand change from the other because if he/she loved you enough surely there would be change. He/she is bad and wrong in the first place for doing the thing that upsets you. He/she is bad and wrong again for not changing without you having to say anything. He/she is very wrong for balking at the change once you demand it.

The Alternative:

People do what they do and say what they say not because of you but because of how they relate to others. This means if your partner is doing something to upset you or bug you, he/she is not doing it to you, just doing it. Moreover, people cannot read minds. If you do not communicate effectively when something is bothering you, you cannot expect change.

You should also know that when you demand, you are not likely to get what you want. And your partner definitely has the right to say no.

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To create change, make your requests clearly, gently and as soon as you become aware of the need. Your requests are more likely to be granted. However, if they are not granted, you
cannot demand change.

Making an effective request is definitely a skill. To learn this skill, please read next week's newsletter.

School of Thought III:

Produce change at any cost or any way you can. Hold back no weapon in your arsenal. Manipulation, nagging, begging, threatening are all fair game. Don't ever give up because, after all, the change is good for your partner.

The Alternative:

When you request change from your partner to further growth and development, it is often very good for him/her. However, any underhanded attempt will be met with resistance and anger. You will not get change. In fact, things may get worse.

Your alternative is to ask clearly and openly, with love, for what you want. Again, to learn how to do this read next week's newsletter.

If the change is something your partner wants for himself or herself, offer support in creating it. Do this for as long as it takes to create the change. If the answer is no, accept it and deal with the consequences, even if the consequence leads to the end of the relationship.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"