Needs

Your ability to recognize and take care of your needs has a direct connection to the kind of people you attract and the quality of your relationships.

When single, the extent to which you recognize and take care of your needs influences your ability to choose and attract well-suited partners. When you do not recognize and meet your needs, potential partners see these needs as your defining characteristics. Those who are not needy will see your needs and scatter. Only those who do not meet and recognize their own needs will be attracted to you.

At the same time, the haze of unmet and unrecognized needs can cloud your judgment. When a potential partner strongly meets one of your main needs, you may discount a lack of other important qualities, which will ultimately make the relationship impossible. This is one way people end up in relationships where there is more anger than love.

In a relationship, even if you are unaware of your needs, your partner will still pick up on them. If you are not taking care of your needs and/or are not directly asking for what you need, your partner may feel manipulated and become resentful. This pattern can become the beginning of the end of the relationship.

In order to have a healthy, satisfying relationship, you must be able to clearly recognize your needs and find ways to get them met outside of the relationship. This last part is almost a radical concept in our culture. Most people think being in a relationship will get all their needs met, so why should they find a way to have them met outside the relationship?

It's true that some of your needs can be met in a relationship, once the relationship is established. An established relationship is one in which both people have been together for
a significant amount of time -- six months or longer. It is a relationship in which both people are committed to being exclusively together.

Even when you are sure you have an established relationship, you must be able to meet your needs when necessary. Your partner will not always be able to do so.

Recognizing your needs

Below are examples of some, but not all, of the needs you may have:

Physical, the need for...

• touch
  
• shelter
  
• nutrition
  
• rest
  

Emotional, the need for...

• safe space

  ADVERTISEMENT:

  
  
• being liked
  
• being esteemed
  
• being wanted
  
• respect
  
• being right
  
• being loved
  
• independence
  
• comfort
  
• companionship
  

Material, the need for...

• "stuff" (your own definition)
  

Spiritual, the need for...

• connectedness
  
• trust in something greater than self
  
• inspiration
  

Did you find some of your needs on this list? What other needs can you add?

How to meet your needs

Notice that the emotional needs make up the larger list. It is our emotional needs that we most often neglect and diminish. These are the needs that, when unmet, get in the way of your ability to have the relationships you desire.

Often people feel bad about having certain needs, such as to be right or to be wanted. Although they try to suppress these needs and pretend they don't exist, others are acutely aware of them. Unmet emotional needs always leak out in behavior.

Our own emotional needs are the most difficult to satisfy. People frequently believe their partner or friends are obligated to meet their emotional needs. In truth, no one has any obligation to meet your needs, but your partner or friends are likely to help you if you ask them.

Physical needs are sometimes ignored in our fast-paced desire to succeed. When it comes to taking care of ourselves, we do as little as we can. This causes our emotional needs to become amplified. One way to meet your emotional needs is to take care of yourself physically.

Spiritual needs are often ignored altogether -- we pay homage to them only in word and not in deed. A spiritual connection with a higher power can go a long way to helping you see and meet your emotional needs.

Summary

As you can see, emotional needs are the driving force behind most of our needs. Almost every other need can be reduced to an unmet emotional need. Meeting our physical, material and
spiritual needs can help us feel satisfied emotionally.

Identify your needs and be creative and resourceful in how you take care of yourself. Once your needs are met, you will be able to create the great life and relationships you desire!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2001. Do you know what it takes to be happy and fulfilled in your relationships? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!