Saving Your Marriage When you Have Children

From Becoming Strong Enough to Love,
A regular column by Margaret B Paul, Apr 10, 2008         

Research indicates that, unless there is violence in the home, children are better off being raised by an intact family. Whenever clients who have children call to work with me on their marriage, I always encourage them to do all they can to save their marriage.

Leah is a good example of a woman who, on the verge of divorce with four young children, decided to do the work of saving her marriage - and succeed beyond what she thought was possible.

Leah first consulted with me because she was completely turned off to her husband, Ronald. Many of their battles had to do with Ronald getting angry at their lack of a sex life. Leah had given in for years, but was no longer willing to have sex without being emotionally connected with Ronald.

As I listen to Leah talking about her problems with her husband, I could feel inside that Ronald was a good person, as was Leah. They were off track because each of them was making the other responsible for their feelings.

Leah blamed Ronald for her unhappiness, claiming that his anger and neediness was the cause of their problems. According to Leah, Ronald blamed Leah for his unhappiness, claiming that her coldness, anger, and sexual withdrawal were the cause of their problems. It was apparent that both Leah and Ronald had their eyes on the other, with little understanding of the fact that each of them was abandoning themselves to the other.

As I worked with Leah with Inner Bonding, she began to learn how to tune into her feelings and take responsibility for them. She learned how to recognize when she was abandoning herself through her self-judgments, through ignoring her feelings with her food and nicotine addictions, and through making Ronald responsible for her feelings with her anger, blame and withdrawal.

Within a few months of starting to work on herself and practice the 6 Steps of Inner Bonding, Leah began to feel much happier. Because she was taking loving care of herself, she was able to speak her truth to Ronald with kindness rather than anger. She was able to tell him that when he was taking care of himself and in his power, she found him very attractive, but when he abandoned himself and was needy, she was very turned off to him.

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Ronald, seeing the change in Leah, began to work with me to learn the Inner Bonding process. It didn't take him long to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings.

As a result of their inner work to learn to stop abandoning themselves and blaming each other, and to learn how to take loving care of their own feelings, Leah and Ronald saved their marriage. They are now having fun together, enjoying their children together, learning together and supporting each other. Leah often finds herself turned on to Ronald.

Most of the couples that I work with are able to save their marriage.

If you are having problems in your marriage, I encourage you to devote yourself to learning how to take responsibility for your own pain and your own joy. If your leave your relationship without learning this, you will take your controlling, compliant, needy, angry, or blaming behavior with you. You will take your aloneness and emptiness with you. You will take your substance and process addictions with you, and you will likely create a similar relationship next time.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by learning how to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings, and you will be helping your children do the same. You will also give them a chance at growing up in an intact and loving family.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.