Fly Right & Score High!

Keeping score can keep your marriage happy and strong.

That may fly in the face of what relationship gurus have been spouting since Eve met Adam, but with the divorce rate hovering near 50%, isn’t it time to try something new?

Let’s ‘fess up. Ghandi and Mother Teresa aside, we all keep score. Show me a spouse who’s never said, “You owe me one,” or “You lost a few points,” and I’ll show you a spouse who’s stopped paying attention. Take any relationship self-test and you’ll be asked to give a "1-to-10" satisfaction rating on everything from how he kisses to whether she nags. We assess our relationship by comparing the pros to the cons. We keep score.

I say, if we do it anyway, let’s do it in a way that makes our relationship stronger. My hubby Dale and I keep our marriage strong and our point scores high by accumulating what we call Frequent Foreplay Miles™. It all started the day I was on a rant about Dale’s persistent lack of timeliness, something which really chapped my hide. To make my point crystal clear, I presented it in a context sure to get his attention: Sex.

I explained . . .

• Foreplay is all day, every day, 24/7.

• Foreplay is about everything that happens between partners.

• Foreplay is consistently doing things that please your partner like being thoughtful, keeping your word, and being on time.

I suggested Dale accumulate Frequent Foreplay Miles to draw against on those occasions when, despite best intentions, he screws up. He suggested I do the same. We laughed. But what began as a joke became our philosophy of marriage: Earn as many and lose as few Frequent Foreplay Miles as possible. It’s a philosophy that has served us well, particularly when our marriage was challenged by a significant financial set-back.

It’s simple. Frequent Foreplay Miles are awarded when you make your sweetheart happy. They are deducted when your behavior falls below your sweetheart’s standards. The higher your balance, the happier and stronger your marriage. Here’s why:

While everybody knows that a sledge hammer like infidelity will smash a relationship to smithereens, too few appreciate the destructive force of little hurts and disappointments. Each hurt, no matter how seemingly insignificant, causes a little crack. Too many cracks and the relationship will fall apart or become too weak to withstand the inevitable challenges that all marriages face.

Imagine a bucket sitting in the rain. A single drop won’t fill it but many drops will. Now imagine your sweetie’s heart. A single crack won’t break it, but lots of cracks will.

Just as tiny cracks can destroy a relationship, tiny kindnesses keep it strong. He notices she’s running late, so he scoops the litter box even though her cat Fluffy treats him like scum. Or, she sews a button on his shirt even though he knows where the needle and thread are kept as well as she does. Opportunities to pick up Frequent Foreplay Miles™ occur every day.

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If you want to score big, tailor your behavior to resonate with your sweetheart’s unique set of sensibilities, priorities and preferences which I sum up as “Emotional Coordinates.” Just as a pilot needs longitude and latitude coordinates to make the perfect three-point landing in the right spot, you need to know your sweetheart’s Emotional Coordinates to make the perfect behavioral landing.

Suppose he’s the type who says “I love you!” at the end of every phone conversation, at the end of every day, and each time he walks out the door. And suppose she’s the type who thinks saying “I love you” on their wedding day should suffice forever. She expresses her love by quietly doing little things for him, such as making his favorite cinnamon toast on Sunday mornings.

Because she does not need to feel loved by hearing those three little words, she ignores his constant proclamations. They come so often that she doesn’t hear them anymore. Or, worse, they may even drive her crazy. He begins to feel insecure and steps up the pace in an effort to hear her say the words he needs to hear to feel loved. Because he is not as thoughtful about the little things as she is, she doesn’t believe it’s sincere when he says he loves her and she resists responding in kind. Though each one of them is loved, they fail to express that love in a way which is meaningful to the other. How different it would be if she understood that he needed to hear her say “I love you” and if he understood that she needed him to bring her flowers or wash her car once in a while.

Pay attention to how your sweetheart behaves, responds and reacts. Then take your cue. If your partner cries at every Hallmark commercial that comes on TV, then it’s a pretty sure bet that breakfast in bed and a sweet card will garner a lot more Frequent Foreplay Miles than the joke card that cracks you up, no matter how funny it is. When you tailor your behavior to resonate with your sweetheart’s Emotional Coordinates, the Frequent Foreplay Miles™ add up fast! By transforming the covert negative of scorekeeping into the overt positive of accumulating zillions of Frequent Foreplay Miles through daily acts of kindness, large and small, you keep your relationship strong and happy.

If every couple accumulated Frequent Foreplay Miles™ with the same enthusiasm with which they accumulate frequent flier miles, divorce lawyers would be out of business. To keep your relationship strong, start keeping score today!

Shela Dean is the happily married author of the upcoming Frequent Foreplay Miles: Your Ticket to a Happy Marriage. To get your free Frequent Foreplay Miles Tracker, visit www.FrequentForeplayMiles.com/.