Relationships: Mysteries of Attraction

From Becoming Strong Enough to Love,
A regular column by Margaret B Paul, Aug 31, 2007         

We are attracted to each other at our common level of woundedness and our common level of health.

What does this mean?

For example, Jackson, a very attractive man in his early 50s, had been married three times and had been in many relationships. He consulted with me because he was tired of going from relationship to relationship. He wanted a long-term relationship.

"Even though each relationship seems to be very different than the last one, in the end they all turn out to be the same."

Jackson grew up with an angry father and a mother who, on the surface, pretended that everything was okay, but was always pulling on Jackson to make her feel loved. Not surprisingly, Jackson consistently picked women who looked all together but who were really needy. He was mystified as to why he kept picking the same kind of woman.

Through his inner work with me, Jackson discovered the deep level of loneliness he had felt with his mother. While she was a beautiful woman on the outside, on the inside she was empty and needy. He discovered that he had been drawn to women who were just like his mother, and then, with his criticism and controlling behavior, tried to get them to connect with him. His mission with each woman he met was to find a way to heal the woman so he would not be lonely with her. More than wanting connection with a woman, he wanted CONTROL over the connection - which is not possible. In each relationship he ended up withdrawing when his control attempts didn't work.

As long as Jackson wanted control over connection, he would be attracted to disconnected and needy women. Once he fully accepted his lack of control over whether or not a woman connected with him, he found himself attracted to an open and loving woman - a woman who connects to him because that is who she is.

Jackson was originally attracted to women who were at his level of woundedness. After he did his inner work, he became attracted to a woman at his level of health.

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If you are a caretaker, addicted to fixing others while ignoring yourself, it is likely that you find yourself attracted to takers - self-centered people who want others to take care of them.

If you are an angry, controlling person, it is likely that you are attracted to people who easily give themselves up, or to people who are very resistant.

If you are an empty person, it is likely that you are attracted to a vibrant caretaking person.

And so on.

On the other hand, if you do your inner work, healing your low self-esteem, your need to control, your resistance, your addictions to substances and processes, your fear of rejection and your fear of engulfment, and you discover how to take loving care of yourself, you will find yourself only attracted to loving, kind and secure people.

Leaving a relationship - other than an abusive relationship - before discovering the inner fears and beliefs that led you to the relationship in the first place, is essentially a waste of time. You will continue to choose the same kind of person over and over - even if that is not apparent at first - until you heal the underlying issues that led you to choose this person in the first place.

All of us put out a frequency that comes from our level of woundedness or health. If you tune your radio dial to a particular station, you will get that station because you have tuned into the frequency of that station. Likewise, your frequency attracts a like frequency. Woundedness has a low frequency, while emotional health has a high frequency. A loving person with a high frequency will not be attracted to a controlling or needy person with a low frequency.

If you want to attract a loving and caring person, then you first need to become that person yourself.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.