Are You Stuck in Your Life?

From Becoming Strong Enough to Love,
A regular column by Margaret B Paul, Jan 24, 2007         

Are you constantly reading self-help and motivational books yet nothing changes? Have you tried many different forms of therapy yet still feel unhappy, anxious, depressed and alone? Do you often have the answers for others but not for yourself?

The problem may be that you are intent on "fixing" problems rather than learning about what is in your highest good and taking the loving action. You will stay stuck when fixing is more important than learning and taking action.

Many people are information addicts - reading everything they can in the hopes of finding the right answer to their problems. Yet even when they do come across something they can do to make things better, they don't do it. They stay in their head trying to figure it out rather than take the actions they need to take. This would be like reading everything you can about exercise and thinking about exercising, yet not taking the action of actually exercising.

I run into this issue all the time with my clients. The Six Step Inner Bonding process that we teach is a powerful process for getting unstuck, as well as for healing the underlying issues that keep people stuck. Many people will read my books and even have sessions with me, yet are completely resistant to actually practicing the process. They can spout the theory and even teach it to others, but because they are not practicing it, nothing changes for them.

For example, Jonathon sought my help because of his depression over money. Jonathon is a person who reads everything, yet nothing works for him. His business is falling apart and so is his marriage.

In my first session with Jonathon, I heard his endless negative self-talk. "Nothing will ever change for me. I will always be a loser. The things that work for other people will never work for me. I am going to end up on the streets. It has always been this way for me and always will be. Other people are lucky but I am not." On and on he went. No wonder he was so anxious and depressed!

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I asked him to imagine that he was saying these negative things to his actual child.

"I would never say things like that to him - it would scare him."

"Yet this is what you are constantly saying to your own inner child. You are constantly scaring yourself with your negative self-talk."

"I know. I treat myself really badly. But I can't seem to stop. I've read your books and I understand the Inner Bonding process, but I don't think it can help me."

"Have you tried it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't think it will help me. I don't think it will work."

Jonathan wants a magic pill to fix him. He doesn't want to have to take the action that will help him. His negative self-talk is a form of control. He believes that if he beats himself up enough, he will somehow get himself to change. He believes that beating himself up will fix things. He is as addicted to negativity as someone else might be addicted to alcohol, and it won't solve his problems any more than alcohol will.

Jonathan doesn't want to know that his negative self-talk is what is causing his problems. He doesn't want to know that he is actually the creator of his own life and that he is creating what he doesn't want instead of what he does want. He doesn't want to know that his anxiety and other painful feelings are his natural inner guidance system letting him know that he is off course in this thinking. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his own thoughts and feelings and for what he creates in his life.

Until Jonathan is willing to take responsibility for his thoughts and his actions or lack of action, he will stay stuck in resistance, stuck being a victim.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.