A New Year and a New Start

From Words of Wellness,
A regular column by Angela Brown, Dec 27, 2002         

Summary: “Good” kids and “bad” kids both share the same deep desire: they want a real, and meaningful relationship with their parents. So to kick off a positive year with your teen, here are some simple solutions that can turn even your darkest hours together into cherished and memorable moments.

 
“My biggest goal for this next year is to get along with Carrie, she’s grounded again for skipping chores and mouthing off...” My neighbor Marjorie and I were talking about new years resolutions when suddenly the conversation turned to raising her teenagers and the stuff they do that make you go “Yikes!” It made me remember I was once a teenager too, and suffered from poor judgment and misunderstanding.

Dr. Kevin Leman, internationally known psychologist, author of the book “Adolescence Isn’t Terminal”, and father of five, suggests that “good” kids and “bad” kids both share the same deep desire: they want a real, and meaningful relationship with their parents. So to kick off a positive year with your teen, here are some simple solutions that can turn even your darkest hours together into cherished and memorable moments.

* Start over today. If you feel you have grown apart from your kid, you can start over today and reinvent your relationship with them. They are people too, with needs and emotions similar to yours. The first step is to love them unconditionally and begin listening. You do not have to agree with them, you just need to listen.

* Understand there is an age gap. Like it or not, teens and tweens do NOT have the same reasoning power and sensible decision making that a parent thirty or older might have. With time and experience, their judgment will improve. The possibility for miscommunication between kids and parents is huge. Expect misinterpretation and figure out ways to respect your age differences.

* Set rules and follow through. When you set rules, you have to keep them, even if it means being unpopular when it is time to enforce them. When you try to be friendly and let your kid off the hook just this once, you teach them that your word means nothing. And if set rules are not enforced, they are useless, and as your parental weaknesses are exposed, you will be sadly taken advantage of.

* Talk about potential problems that arise in families, on dates, with friends and in peer-pressure type situations. Make it a practice, let us say once a week to cover a topic with your child and discuss the consequences and rewards from every angle. Share your ideas and feelings and get their feedback too. Chances are they have friends experiencing some of these same challenges. The open conversation lends itself to helping friends in need, and giving your teen a reality check. Remember that teenagers usually don’t think situations through to mature conclusions. Regular chats create a supportive environment that includes understanding, sharing and respect.

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* Keep confidences. When you gossip or casually mention to your friends and neighbors, confidential or personal information about your child, you are skating on thin ice. When the ice breaks and word makes its way back to your child, they will not confide in you again. The exception to this rule is conferring with your spouse about child-rearing issues. Parents should discuss the lives of their children, be supportive of them, and pray for them, but this information should NOT be shared with in-laws and other teen’s parents.

* Don’t pick at flaws. Most people, old and young are painfully aware of their shortcomings. Adolescents especially, are insecure of themselves as they transition from kids to adults and their bodies and voices change. If your teen has big thighs or acne or weird facial hair, let that stuff work itself out. Compliment their efforts of trying to fit in and be supportive of an awkward time that even we would not relive by choice.

* Encourage positive behavior. Catch your teen or tween doing homework, picking up after themselves, being well groomed, having an optimistic attitude, helping out around the house, and getting along with you. In the effort to fit in and be understood, kids will do just about anything. When you compliment the things they do right, instead of nagging about what they did wrong, they will scramble to do more things right. Little words like “thank you”, “wow”, “I appreciate that”, “you’re awesome”, and “that was so nice of you” go a long way with kids. Sure, they are still going to skip chores on occasion and wear funny clothes and talk in rhymes that parents often misunderstand, just remember that kids usually do grow up and mature in the process. Be patient, be kind, be positive and have a great new year with your teen.

Angela Brown © 2002, Angela Brown is a highly sought after wellness speaker and seminar leader and can be emailed at Angela@WordsofWellness.com

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