Communication Skills, Part II

Let's look at two similar conversations side-by-side, one in which a context is given and one where it is not. Let's examine the effectiveness of each approach. The topic of both conversations will be household chores, with the wife approaching the husband for the discussion.

Without providing a context:

The wife: "We need to talk."


The husband: "Oh, my god, what could she want to talk about? What's wrong? What did I do now?" His thoughts and emotions are focused on THE hot button issues of the relationship. He gets on the defensive in case he will be attacked.


The wife talks about the subject, perhaps her feelings, what needs to be done, what she wants, but her husband doesn't hear much of this. He only hears what he felt prepared to hear believing he was going to be attacked. The couple will most likely get into a fight as a result of this conversation.

The wife: "Honey, I want to talk to you about the division of household chores."


The husband: "I don't feel like it (perhaps), but ok." Or, "I don't feel like it right now, how about in a half-hour/hour/tomorrow/etc."


The husband's thoughts and emotions are focused on housework. This may not be his favorite subject, but he will participate, brainstorm and listen, as long as the wife sticks to the subject. The couple will likely end up resolving some issues and are likely to walk away from the conversation feeling closer.

Even when you do provide a thorough context, your partner may still have a negative reaction to a sensitive or charged subject. In this case, stop the conversation and address what is going on with him or her. Sometimes it's better to take a break and try the conversation again later.

Keep practicing to reap the benefits of this communication skill.

Communication Skill II: Going Far Enough

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and walked away knowing the other person misinterpreted what you said? Have you ever ended a conversation wanting a response or action but not knowing whether the person would follow through? These are common experiences and the topic of many of my coaching sessions.

Rarely do we have difficult conversations to simply express ourselves. We mainly have difficult conversations to create an understanding, to change a situation, to create some concrete result. Frequently people are too stressed to remember this when they approach others with difficult subjects, and hence they forget to get the result.

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Additionally, when we approach others with difficult subjects, they may go into shock or resistance and say nothing, stonewalling or blowing us off. Most people walk away at this point, even though they did not get what they wanted out of the conversation. When damage has been inflicted, many people are hesitant to rock the boat.

Unfortunately, unless you push a conversation like this forward, you are unlikely to get what you want. Whether you are trying to talk to your partner about sex or doing the dishes, or your boss about a raise, or your kids about their misbehavior, you need to push forward through the initial discomfort and get into the conversation. I call this "going far enough" because you have to venture "far enough" into the conversation to get what you want.

Please do not mistake this for bullying someone into giving you what you want. A conversation really does need to be a conversation, with both people listening and speaking, with both being heard.

Below are guidelines to allow you to go far enough in your conversations:

• Be tactful, but completely honest.
  
• Say all you need to say.
  
• Communicate all of your relevant feelings.
  
• Frequently ask your partner to paraphrase what you are saying.
  
• Correct all misunderstandings, then ask your partner to paraphrase again.
  
• Check in with your partner about what kind of feelings and thoughts the conversation is bringing up.
  
• Clearly request the results or action you want.
  
• Ask your partner to paraphrase your request.
  
• Correct all misunderstandings.
  
• Ask your partner if and how he/she intends to honor your request.
  
• Negotiate. Offer to honor some of his/her requests.
  
• Continue to communicate firmly but gently, even when you encounter resistance.
  
• Return to the conversation later, if needed.
  
• Communicate until the two of you arrive at a compromise acceptable to both.
  
• Give your partner the freedom of practicing all of the above with you.
  

• You will get more of what you want.
  
• You will know where you stand and what to expect from others.
  
• You will feel complete.
  
• Others will respect you as someone who communicates clearly, and who expects the best from them.
  
• Others will tell you the truth, knowing that you will accept nothing less.
  
• And most importantly, you will have mastered another skill that will help you create great relationships.
  

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2001. This article was originally published by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries in the Relationship Coach Newsletter, one of many relationship resources you can find at www.WhatItTakes.com. Other resources include relationship advice, quizzes, coaching and classes. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com and learn to become a True Love Magnet(tm)!