Building Sustainable Relationships

Unless you have been living in a cave somewhere, you are aware of how unsustainable our world has become. Reports by scientists on the short and long term effects of global climate change say humanity’s very existence may be threatened. At the same time we continue to see increased social unrest in increased domestic violence, child abuse, drive-by shootings, divorce, and violent regional conflicts and wars. James Lovelock, the scientist who introduced the “Gaia hypothesis,” said recently that he does not think that humanity will succeed in slowing or preventing global climate change. He believes that humanity still functions as a tribal or co-dependent society that is unable to act for the greater good. Our consciousness, he says, has not evolved at the same pace as our technological progress, and that makes him pessimistic about our future.

In order to survive as a species, we believe that sustainable personal relationships are the critical element needed to design, build, and maintain new sustainable structures. Unfortunately, we are seeing many cooperative sustainability projects fail. Recently, for example, we received an email titled, “Musicians for Peace Facing Hostile Takeover.” In our Book, Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap, we present Developmental Systems Theory (DST) that helps explain why this is happening and what to do about it. DST looks at the evolution of all human systems: couples, families, schools, churches, businesses, governmental organizations and nation-states. It shows the parallel processes in couple and family relationships and those in larger human systems. DST describes a four stage optimal model of human evolution (co-dependent, counter-dependent, independent and interdependent) and the essential developmental processes that must be completed in each stage. During the co-dependent stage of development, the process focuses on achieving secure bonding. The critical process of the counter-development stage involves separating emotionally and psychologically from the parents.

We discovered that most of humanity is cycling between the co-dependent and counter-dependent stages of evolution. Because of unrecognized and unhealed developmental trauma from early childhood, most people are still using co-dependent and counter-dependent behaviors characteristic of the tribal stage of consciousness to create relationships. Sustainable relationships require intimacy, interdependence, cooperation, conflict resolution and the ability to regulate one’s emotions.

What Is A Sustainable Relationship?
Sustainable relationships advance both individual and collective consciousness. In them, people acknowledge they have unhealed developmental traumas from childhood and agree to help each other to heal them. They commit to staying together during the healing process and to resolving conflicts that are rooted in these old traumas. People focus on understanding and changing themselves, rather than changing their partner. They take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors and give help only when it is asked for.

During conflicts, partners become more conscious by recognizing each other as mirrors to discover unseen parts of themselves. They support each other’s emotional and psychological health by negotiating differences and creating healthy boundaries. Partners with children recognize them as teachers and learn from them rather than trying to mold them. They apply these principles to all their relationships and seek to be a model for living together in peace and love. Sustainable personal relationships have the ability to move people from co-dependent, tribal thinking to the interdependent, collaborative consciousness needed to solve global issues.

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Why People Fail to Build Sustainable Relationships? Most people leave childhood without achieving secure bonding. The lack of secure bonding during the co-dependent stage has lifelong consequences. In an unconscious attempt to complete this process, people form co-dependent relationships where they covertly manipulate others into being close. A common form of manipulation is the Drama Triangle, which involves acting like a ”victim” and maneuvering others into “rescuing” them. This is similar to the “need-obligate” system and the “good old boy/girl network” in which you do something for others that they didn’t ask for (a “rescue”) and then they feel obligated to do something in return. The objective of these covert co-dependent games is getting one’s unmet bonding needs met without being direct. Most people feel ashamed that they still have these needs so they disguise them through game playing.

The lack of emotional separateness from the counter-dependent stage also is a trap. People that were wounded by others in their attempts to become emotionally separate, build walls to protect themselves from getting wounded again. We describe this “Flight From Intimacy” in detail in our book by this title. Because of unhealed childhood trauma, it is difficult for people with counter-dependency issues to build intimate, sustainable relationships.

How to Build Sustainable Relationships
While building sustainable relationships isn’t rocket science, it does require following a set of blueprints or guidelines that will advance your consciousness. Here are some tools that we have used in our relationship and with our clients. • Be willing to ask for what you want directly from those who have it to give one hundred percent of the time. You will know you have learned this skill when you can ask for what you want directly and people will be delighted to give to you. • Forgive those who may have wounded you in childhood. You are not hurting them by staying angry at them, only yourself. Your choice is to stay angry or to grow up. • Become more aware of your co-dependent behaviors and their causes through reading books, attending therapy or support groups. • Identify and heal your developmental traumas. • Risk changing yourself and your relationships so that you can break free of the co-dependency trap.

In addition to almost sixty years combined teaching experience, Drs. Barry and Janae Weinhold have served for over five decades as licensed mental health professionals. They are the authors of Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap and Flight from Intimacy (New World Library) Barry is licensed as a psychologist and Janae is a professional counselor. Cofounders of the Carolina Institute for Conflict Resolution & Creative Leadership (CICRCL), they specialize in the areas of developmental psychology, trauma, violence prevention, conflict resolution, cosmologies, and consciousness studies. Barry is professor emeritus and former chair of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs Counseling and Human Services Program. Janae is former adjunct professor at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. They live in North Carolina. Their website is www.weinholds.org/.

Based on the book Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap. Copyright © 2008 by Drs. Janae and Barry Weinhold. Reprinted with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com or 800/972-6657 ext. 52.

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