How Dancing Saved My Life & Made Me Beautiful

A feature article by an Alumbo member, Dec 11, 2007         

Remember the children’s film “Shrek”? This past week I recalled the line from that movie, where donkey said: “Donkeys are like onions. Onions have layers; donkeys have layers.” I relate to the asses wisdom there told, ‘cuz he and I are a lot alike. I’d like to tell you that I feel less of an ass as a result of taking this dance class. Layers and layers of truths about my self, my life, and my misguided notions have been exposed to my own mind, as a result of finding this little dance class in the Grossmont Catalog.

I’m feeling choked up just now, thinking about it. Doubtful anyone could really understand? For it’s hard to admit or even believe, that something as common as dancing, I mean, the love of dancing, could actually give a girl hope to go on living. Its hard to believe that inside her heart, when she laid upon her bed four years ago, fantasizing slitting her own throat, watching the blood run down over her pink paisley bed spread, that the one thought pervading her mind, over and above the joy at the thought of death and it’s subsequent release from pain, is that if she does herself in, she’ll never dance again! So she didn’t kill herself, even though the thought thrilled her to the point of near orgasm. Instead, she hung on to hope for guidance; and, she prayed!

She prayed for weeks on her floor; for six hours a day; with gut-wrenching tears; hardly eating; crying out to the Creator of the Universe; reaching out for the light. And by-and-by the answers came; and inspiration too; then desire. It only took a phone call— 619-644-7000 —”hi, yes, could you please send me your current class schedule? My address is 15805 Rosemont Lane, Ramona. Thank you.”

The next summer, after more pain had flooded my heart and soul because my son had left me, I finally signed up for one class at Grossmont College—Introduction to Dance with D. Mullen.I couldn’t remember if D. Mullen was the same as the one whose class I’d tried to take in 1998 or ‘99 (can’t recall which year it was) but I found out it was the same person when I saw an old friend of mine at the Orthodox Synagogue in Rancho Bernardo, on Rosh Hashanah 2002.

“Lilo! (big hugs and kisses) Oh my God how are you?! And there’s your son, he’s so cute! What are you doing here?! My God, you look so…so….so ‘Orthodox’! Are you, um….have you, converted?”

“Shoshana, it’s so good to see you. Yes, yes, this is my shul; mine and Avishag’s. And Shoshana, no one knows me by Lilo here; my name is ‘Haddasah‘ now.”

“Oh, OK. ‘Haddasah’? –hmm…very nice. What’s new with you, besides being so J-e-w-i-s-h? Last I saw you, you were studying dance at Grossmont College.”

“Yes, and I finished there and now I’m a religious studies major.”

“So you’re a professional student?”

(Lilo smiles big) “Yes, yes I am.”

“And that supports you and Avishag? Do you have your own place or are you still with your Mom?”

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“Yes, we have our own apartment in RB. The money I get from school, along with help from my Mom, supports Avishag and I. We’re doing well.”

“How about you Shoshana, how are you, still folk dancing? How’s Shabtai?”

“Shabtai and I broke up July 4, 2001 and I’ve been living in Ramona.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry Shoshana. I really thought you two would get married. You were such a nice couple. Everyone loved to watch you dance together.”

“Yeah well, what can I tell you Hadaasah? He was never going to make the leap and actually marry me. Like my therapist said: ‘Why would he when I give him everything without his needing to commit’? I’ve lost everything Lilo; again!” (sigh)

“I’m sorry Shoshana. So are you dancing at least? You haven’t given that up have you?”

“Well Lilo, sorry, I mean Haddasah. Actually I’m thinking of taking some dance classes at Grossmont again. It didn’t work out last time, Shabtai’s mother dying shortly after the semester began; he flying to Israel and me being left with the burden of the machine shop. Everything was always his agenda, you know? But now I’m free to try again. So I think I’ll go back to school?”

“Whose class are you taking? What instructor?”

“Um, I don’t know who it is exactly? There are no first names in the schedule, it just says: D. Mullen.”

A big grin spreads across her beautiful face and for a moment Lilo gazes at the synagogue ceiling. With a sparkly, far away look in her eyes, like she’s remembering fond memories, she then said: “Ah, that’s Dave. He’s great, you’re really going to like him and enjoy his classes.”

“Oh, D. Mullen is a man? I wonder if he’s the same man who screamed in my face years ago? He really scared me, Lilo!”

“Well it must be Dave because he’s the only male dance instructor at Grossmont. But don’t worry Shoshana, his bark is worse than his bite. Go to his class, you’ll like it.”

“Ok, I will. Thanks!” (more big hugs and kisses)

At that point in our conversation an Israeli guy, Gabi Moyal, who recognized me, comes over and says: “Hey, aren’t you that Israeli Folk Dancer? I recognize you. How are you? You’re a great dancer, you’re Israeli, right?”

“Yes, I was an Israeli Folk Dancer, but no, I’m not Israeli.” And with conviction I add: “But I should’ve been! It was mistake that I wasn’t born in Israel.”

He laughed. And Haddasah laughed. Then services began again and we said good bye. I haven’t’ seen her since, but Shabtai saw her at a Chanukah event that year and told me that she asked about me, giving him her business card. He showed it to me; I remember it said something about healing dance.

I told that whole story to illustrate the point that I believe it was ordained-of-God; destiny, that I go to the Intro Class. For I’ll tell you, the morning of Rosh Hashanah 2002, when I woke up, I had not planned to go to the Chabad synagogue, but I felt prompted inside my spirit to go; felt pushed. I never went to services at that particular synagogue. The only other time I’d ever been inside was for my friend Allen’s wedding.

It was kismet that I saw Lilo there. It was foreordained that we have the conversation we had. And I believe it was Devine guidance putting the seal of approval upon my choice to go to Grossmont Dance.

So there you go. God wants people to dance! God and dancing saved my life! Healed my heart; gave me back my beautiful body—as Shabtai used to call it—and now I find myself on the cusp of great and wonderful dancerly things about to break forth in my life, after this 4th summer in Intro to Dance with David Mullen.

Here’s the journal of my progress.

To view the other 20,000 or so words in this journal entry--because it is too large to all fit here--please visit this link:

http://dancepiration.wordpress.com/2007/10/08/how-dancing-saved-my-life-made-me-beautiful/

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