Conscience

A feature article by Jobe, Sep 16, 2006         

The latent ever presence of the realization of my own infinite ignorance. Will Durant said: "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." I ask myself things like 'why keep talking myself in circles?' 'why burden others with these thoughts when they could live free of them perhaps just as well off?' Do my words enter your mind at some point in your day when some comment by a friend or some event unfolding stirs a distant connection between lines? Though I smile and think.. To be able to release these thoughts troubling me into these words that seem to place things into perspective for me.. is wonderful.. but to have others read these words and be able to identify with the things I wrestle with.. what I gift I have been given.. Thank you. I will continue..

I find myself constantly double checking as it were, too many things.. far too many things. I go wash my hands after a meal and wonder if the water I use is wasted. Have I just sinned? I find my conscience punishing me with a negative feeling toward what I'm doing. Its so confusing.. Where do I draw the line between the 'important' decisions I should be checking in my mind, and the everyday tasks that should be common place and not so greviously overthought? Even if I knew where this line could be drawn I don't know if my mind would allow the separation. I believe in God and I believe that we should always be making certain we are following the rules layed down.. and no I don't follow most of the strict and absurd rules set by Christian dogma. ..But I try to hold true to a moral code I've built over the years, guidelines for how I live my life. As I am always learning these rules I live by are changing gradually. At times I throw them away, to my later regret.. and simply release. Should I be punishing myself so often? It was Charles William Stubbs who said: "To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me." Indeed I have found this to be so very true.. after a night of drunken fallout or locked alone in a padded room. To live with no conscience tapping on your shoulder, whispering to you the morning after to regret the things you have done so you do not repeat the mistakes. To live without the voice of apathy representing free will and the will to choose tapping on your shoulder telling you it doesn't matter, move on. A battle all too common in my thoroughly exhausted climate of thoughts.

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Are things so black and white as I see them? I've tried as of late to break from the mentality of two ways, neither actual colors in this world of decisions and paths of every real color in the rainbow and more. Do I stop or do I continue? Black or White. Or is everything so much more complicated that the simplicity I break it down to.. Purple, Green, Orange, Red, Yellow or Blue? Walk, Skip, Dance, Sit, Jump, Run. Maybe all meshed together into one. Singular. No more of the duality.. this is what separates us. These are questions and theories, I rise them constantly but seem to fail in finding clear answers. Maybe no clear answers exist. Perhaps the questions confuse and dillute us.. Perhaps blind belief is in fact the ultimate leap of faith and the ultimate test of our souls. Maybe the answers aren't as important as the questions.. maybe ignorance is a gift. Maybe wisdom is a gift of an equal quality. More of my duality thinking at work.. I wonder if religion was created to put a face to our fear of death and heal it. It seems so very apparent our religions are fabrications of man. It seems so very apparent that our world is as skin deep as the physical appears. At the same time it seems so clear religion, however corrupted by man is a basic truism in this world. It seems so very apparent that our world is as complex as the incorporeal appears. One of the many beliefs built into catholicism is that this world is meant to be as terrible as it seems. That our peace will come after death. Is this the reason the populace of the world seems so apathetic to the events unfolding? Is it the reason for our docility? Does this belief prevent us from taking action? It was Edmund Burke who said: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Indeed.. And so many good people stand and watch, and so many good people stand and fight.. I frown and I smile. Just when I thought that man was a silent zombie he sits thinking as someone stands before a powerful wrong and with a push so noble he stands beside the man to face that wrong with him. Chills run through my body at the thought of how at times how very horrible things we humans are.. and at times how very brave and noble things we humans are.. capable of anything, given that the gift of choice.

We are the ones fighting this long war that is our life. It is our decision and we should make it. I ask only for guidance in the decisions I must make. Creator, please give me the wisdom to understand what is right and what is wrong.. What is inbetween. And the will to hold true to the convictions you lead me to. This I ask. This I hope. This I pray.

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