Things that go bump

Bump goes my head against the wall, he threw me against, while choking me one last time.

The statistics on domestic violence don’t illustrate well, the damage done to women and children in the situations they are in. They are reduced to numbers--nameless, faceless figures who have no real value in the here and now.

According to the numbers, domestic violence is endemic and though law enforcement has certain policies they have to follow, getting the justice system to enforce the laws is another matter.

To illustrate accurately and clearly what victims endure and the humility they suffer their stories have to be told and heard. In all their ugliness, the stories are part of the survivor’s strength. They are a collective scream to stop the abuse.

Bump. Rachel Miller died on April 26, 2000. Prior to this, she had maintained a website with resources for victims. She had escaped her abuser. Five years had passed and she had begun a new life.

April 28, 2000 Owen Walters and Gail Evans interviewed Bruce Daniels about the stalking, beating, rape and murder of his ex-wife, Rachel.

During the interview, Daniels admits to tying Rachel up, beating her with his fists and a wrench until he tired, hitting her in the chest with a hammer until the end broke off, then raping her.

After all of this, Daniels refers to the rape as “making love to my wife.”

He denied killing her because, “she was alive, breathing and making noise when I left.”

Rachel didn’t volunteer for the position she was placed in. She didn’t opt for death or to be beaten and raped.

Bump. Consensual victimization. A willing victim. The thought runs through the system. She shouldn’t have stayed so long. She shouldn’t have pushed his buttons.

I need some coffee. A good strong cup of joe in one of my favorite cups. It’s the little things in life that matter. A diversion to keep me from thinking about what this means.

Some prefer to call themselves survivors. I don’t. It’s still there. No matter what anyone wants to think, no matter how far you come away from the abuse, it’s sitting there--a mental scab.

A new wave of thought tells us we’re in control of our own lives. Tell Rachel Miller’s family this. Bump. We are what we think. A victim chooses to be a victim. We’re the ones in control.

“Guilt is more bearable than helplessness” says Judith Herman.

We apologize for what we wear, what we say and think and for who we are. Maybe it really was us who set it all off. Maybe there is something wrong with us. We need to take a pill, an attitude adjustment, a mental health professional or some kind of therapy.

I was reading posts at a bulletin board for victims. One person responded to a question posed about treatment of trauma victims. Her reply rang of truth. She was outraged over popular opinion--there is something inherently wrong with the victim.

“There is nothing wrong with us. There is something wrong with someone who would do this to us. There is nothing wrong with our anger with our depression which follows. There is something wrong with the attitude that it somehow reflects something wrong with us.”

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Bump. Think positive--even when you’re getting your face kicked in. It’s all about attitude. If you’de change your attitude this wouldn’t happen.

Bump. Don’t inconvenience anyone. It’s your responsibility. You expect to be saved? What’s wrong with you?

Everyone is an expert on the psychology of abuse. They go to school, get an Associates degree in psychology and think they’re the next Freud; but can’t seem to get around the myths. Can we spell d-i-s-e-m-p-o-w-e-r-m-e-n-t? How about a little dose of f-e-a-r? They know the system, but fall into the traps. “Well Honey, you just have to keep your chin up and think positive about this experience. We’ll get you some counseling and you’ll be just fine.”

There is no positive in the experience of abuse. Victims get through it because of their inherent strengths. They aren’t magically imparted with strength because of the abuse, which seems to be a pervasive thought.

Bump. “This experience has made you stronger.”

Read the texts, use some logic. It has not. It’s weakened me. It’s broken me. I’m bleeding here.

Statistics don't reach people anymore. No one cares about the numbers. No matter how staggering they are, they are just numbers. Maybe they will care about the stories.

I was at the coffee shop talking to someone about this and he said there's been so much in the news about domestic violence people don't care to hear about it. So, I think, there you have it. No one is going to listen. No matter how much is written about it, people don't want to listen because it effects them. It's endemic. It's their sister or mother or aunt who is abused and they don't want to deal with it. It's someone else's problem because they already have too much on their plate.

In the book, Monsters, Vincent Price talks about how women were flogged for their part in an unclean act when they were raped. They were personally violated and later, publicly humiliated because of their association.

Not much has changed. A woman I spoke to recently talked about how mentally abusive her husband was. Though she’s divorced, going on ten years, it took her some time to get over the abuse. She attributes her strength to her abuse, “yeah, I wouldn’t be the woman I am without going through that.”

No you wouldn’t. You would be so much better.

It runs through the culture and has become glib talk. Abuse is good. No one says it that way, but they think it. They don’t want to put it in those terms because it’s taboo. Instead, they say subtle things, “hardship builds character.”

The cultural lenses are glued to our heads. It’s a chore to step away from it, out of the box and perceive the reality. Centuries of programming have taught the culture, women are inherently evil. From Eve’s tragic error to today’s shrewish/promiscuous/devious/insert adjective here, woman. She needs correction through punishment.

“...Patriarchal religions would have us believe that all divinity is male and only male. And that coupled with the idea that female sexuality in women is evil, as for example in the Garden of Eden myth and that it is up to men to dominate both women and the earth, give us a script for all kinds of violence against women...” says, Jane Caputi, Ph.D, Professor of American Studies, University of New Mexico and author of The Age of Sex Crime.

Again, if a woman is too independent, beautiful, intelligent or outspoken there is something wrong with her, inherently. She shouldn’t be too much of anything. Strong women are targets and this is something we’ve known for quite some time. We just don’t say it. Try not to think it. Avoid it at all costs.

Talk of male abuse and how damaging it really is or how prevalent. We would also have to talk numbers. The stats say if you’re female, you’re far safer on the streets than in the home if you are married. The difference is, most prefer excuses to facts. Myth to reality. The stories. Maybe they’ll listen to the stories.

Things that go bump are no myth. Yes, there really are monsters out there. Unfortunately, you may be living with one. Bump.