Putting Out the Flame of Desire (Part 2)

PART 2

“He is in a relationship that has lasted five years, he has been having an affair with another man for about a year. Neither of them know of each other . . .” This is what sex addicts do. It does not sound like he is in recovery.

“He tells me what I want to hear but does not tell me more for fear of hurting me . . .” He does not withhold information to avoid hurting you. He does this to control you. He is addicted to your affection. It bolsters his ego. It abates his fear of abandonment. He is a love addict too—just of another type. He will never let you go willingly. That is why he calls you when you do not call him. He is what Pia Mellody calls the “avoidance addict.” Her whole book, Facing Love Addiction, is about the relationship between the love addict and the avoidance addict. I mention it briefly on page 129 of my book.

“Therefore, I have adverted to other forms of investigation to get to the truth of his affairs . . .” This is typical love addict behavior. We rarely suffer without trying to relieve our pain which is abated momentarily by contact of any kind (fantasies, phone calls, spying, drive-bys, letters, emotions—anything). WITHDRAWAL for the love addict is loss of contact. Just like the heroin addict in the later stages, we need a constant “fix” to avoid withdrawal.

“I know I need to stop . . .” You are powerless over your feelings, but you are not powerless over your behavior. If you align yourself with God and join a support group you will get better.

“It is like having a wound that will not heal, and every time I investigate I cut my wound deeper . . .” I am a “cutter” in recovery. I began by carving the initials of a boy I had a crush on in the 6th grade. Self-mutilation is a common expression of shame, self-loathing, and depression. Whether we cut up our bodies, or rip our hearts and souls to shreds with shame, we must learn to love ourselves and respect our bodies. There is a lot on the internet about cutting. If you substitute “emotional self-mutilation” for the word “cutting” you may be able to understand what you are doing to yourself. There is also a good book about the borderline personality disorder that discusses this. It is I Hate You Don’t Leave Me by Jerold Kreisman. I cut myself to transfer my emotional heartache to physical pain. I call this: “Nail me the cross, but don’t hurt my feelings.”

“I am emotionally weak . . .” The emotional development of most love addicts was interrupted at some point in their lives due to stress and trauma. Once we get into recovery we must re-activate the maturation process. We must grow up. This is a painful process that take years. It is our only hope. I was not able to do this on my own or with therapy alone. I have found the 12-Steps of recovery very helpful with regard to this “growing up” process. See this as your metamorphoses. Break free from the cocoon of love addiction and become your real self.

“I am afraid of dying . . .” For love addicts, love is LIFE and DEATH. All infants are intuitively aware that they will die without care. As we get older we substitute the word “love” for “care” and we feel we will die without it.

“I am afraid of being alone . . .” The fear of loneliness is right up there with the fear of abandonment. Adults, who got consistent love and attention while they were growing up, can process their fear of being alone. Love addicts cannot. So we hold on to whatever we can get our hands on (sometimes we take people hostage) no matter how toxic it might be.

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“I am afraid of going insane . . .” If the addiction is not aborted, you may very well go insane. Fortunately, for me, I “came to believe” that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. (Step 2 in a 12-Step program)

“I am single and cannot have a relationship with anyone, for no one measures up to my addict . . .” Love addicts are often addicted to drama and excitement. We don’t want love, we want to get high. Romantic love sends certain chemicals flowing through our bloodstream that are very similar to anti-depressants. Love abates our depression. I can understand that a healthier kind of love would be less enticing, but you are an addict and your addiction is killing you. If you end contact with this man (he will not make it easy) and go through withdrawal, then try and accept the fact that “real” love will always be less exciting than addiction. Intense desire—which abates your depression—has turned on you. The cure is worse than the disease. Find another way to treat your depression or live with it. I do both.

FINAL COMMENTS

People often ask me “When does desire turn into addiction?” It is at the moment you let your mind believe that only one particular person can satisfy your needs. This is an erroneous idea fed to you by your “dis-ease.” As you have come to realize, when you allowed yourself to become fixated on this one man who “has to love your or you will die,” you became a full-blown love addict. I encourage you to reverse this process. First, remind yourself as often as you can that there is never just one person in the world to love. There is ALWAYS someone new to love if we are open to this. Keep telling yourself this until the day comes when you really understand and believe it. Your obsession will not make this easy. The addicted mind wants to stay addicted. It is the heart that aches to be free.

Once your fixation on one particular person is broken, begin telling yourself the truth about other things. For instance, if you have been “broken” by your childhood or your addiction, no other person can fix you. We all fix ourselves with the help of a Higher Power. Others can satisfy us, love us, enhance our life, bring us happiness—but they cannot fix us.

Of course, there are other “truths” and you will find them on the road to recovery. Books will reveal the truth to you. Experienced and wise people will reveal the truth to you. That small, clear voice within (once you are in recovery) will reveal the truth to you. So search out the truth, tell yourself the truth, remind yourself of the truth, believe the truth, and then pass it on.

In conclusion, I recommend that you enter into recovery. Recovery means change, as well as investigation. When you understand your disease, the next step is to write about it, talk about it, find a support group to supplement your recovery and then change.

On my website, http://www.brightertomorrow.net, there is a copy of my new book, The Art of Changing. Read it and get back to me with any questions you have about your own personal recovery. I will keep you in my prayers Tom.

Best wishes,
Susan Peabody

Susan Peabody is the author of Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships. For more of her writings see her website http://www.brightertomorrow.net/

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