Putting Out the Flame of Desire (Part 1)

PART 1 OF 2

"Poets have no right to picture love as blind; its blindfold must be removed so that it can have the use of eyes." (Pascal, as quoted by Jose Ortega y Gasset in On Love)

The following letter was written to one of my readers in response to his letter of April 13, 2004. He has given me permission to excerpt his letter so that others might benefit from my advice.

Dear Tom,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I have excerpted some of your thoughts and made the following comments. I hope they are helpful. (Your original words are in bold.)

“I had the arousal of intense feelings . . .” Love addiction is triggered by intense emotion which becomes projected on to the object of our desire. Because we did not get our needs met as children, we are very vulnerable when these feelings come up. We have what Howard Halpern calls an “attachment hunger.” We are like starving men and women ready to devour love. In your particular case, since you spent so much time during your adolescence suppressing your sexual feelings, you are vulnerable when you feel desire. In other words, your personal history has pre-disposed you to being a love addict.

“Soon, I began thinking about him everyday . . .” Once the mood-altering experience (desire, arousal, passion) comes up, the addiction moves forward. In recovery you will learn to nip this in the bud at this stage so that “attraction” will not become “addiction.”

“We did everything together . . .” Contact with the object of our desire pushes the addiction to the next level. It does not have to be sexual contact. You have had sex with this man many times—in your head—so you are sexually involved. I have discovered from my own experience, and my work with other love addicts, that when our feelings are sexual we are even more powerless than if the relationship were platonic.

“I have stalked him, followed him, checked up on him, broken into his house searching for anything that could give me information about him . . .” Addictive behavior is just our desperation being manifested. Even if we control the behavior, we cannot control the feelings.

“He was in recovery for sexual addiction . . .” Many people have analyzed the nature of attraction. My theory is we gravitate toward that which expresses openly what we suppress. This man would certainly be attractive to you because of your history of trying to suppress your sexuality. Your attraction to this person might fade when you become more like him. This does not mean you should become a sex addict yourself. But certainly you must find a healthy sexual relationship if you are to recover and “be yourself.” Love addiction feeds on isolation and fantasy. One warning, however: One of my clients is married and still very addicted to his high school sweetheart. This is because he does not engage in his marriage. He just shows up like a robot. I suggest you look for a healthy, invigorating relationship to channel your human need for sexual expression and companionship. This relationship will not be as exciting as the one you are engaged in now . . . but more about that later.

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“Every person that he has been with has caused a major pain in my heart. I view his affairs as a rejection of myself . . .” This is what keeps us hooked. Love addicts will do ANYTHING to avoid feeling rejected. We will hold onto our addictive love, way past its time, just hoping that the person we love will come around and want us as much as we want him or her. We are afraid that if we let go we will miss this reunion—a reunion for which we live. I say “re” union because the object of our desire is really a manifestation of our lost selves. We are split off from ourselves because of shame. If we unite with the loved one, we symbolically reunite with our lost selves. We crave this so badly. As you consciously and unconsciously integrate with yourself, your obsession to unite with this man may fade.

“I fear abandonment from him . . .” The operative word here is fear. The objects of our desire not only represent our lost selves, they represent the lost parent. Since all children fear abandonment, our “inner child” fears abandonment even after we become adults. The problem with love addicts is that because we were actually abandoned or neglected as children, we cannot process our fear. It takes on a life of its own. It becomes terror. It is life and death for us. When I was 3 years old, I had to go into the hospital for 3 months. I was terrified. Something broke inside of me when my mother left me there everyday—alone with my terror. Now, my fear of abandonment haunts me. In 12-Step programs people process their fear by initiating a relationship with a Higher Power. I use imagery to help me. I imagine myself being held, comforted and taken care of. Sometimes I see myself in the arms of God, the Father. Sometimes I see myself “in the garden” with Jesus. Sometimes I am with Spirit who is more feminine and nurturing. She is my “comforter” and “counselor.”

“I cannot go a week without hearing his voice, although he lives several states away from me. I fantasize about him daily . . .” The mood-altering experience of sexual feelings is prolonged by fantasies. You might say we get high off of the fantasies. They become our “drug of choice.” We do not feel our anger, sadness, depression, confusion or loneliness when we get high. Curtailing the fantasies is important—but an arduous task. You should begin by controlling your behavior and then look for ways to distract yourself from fantasizing.

“I have fantasies of us being together one day in happiness . . .” This particular fantasy begins in childhood. We are “stuck” in our childhood. We are unhappy, frightened and lonely. Like people trapped in prison, we dream about happiness in the future. When we get out of prison we don’t realize we have been released, so we keep feeding this fantasy about living happily ever-after “someday.” To keep this fantasy alive, we gravitate toward “unavailable” people.

“I have the urgent longing in my heart and am afraid to let go, afraid to tell him my truth. It has been almost fifteen years of hidden passion, hidden truth, hidden love. I have tried several times of slowly letting go, I do not make calls to him anymore. He calls me at least twice a week. Some calls I will ignore. When the anxiety gets too great, I need to relieve the pressure and make contact. He is my addiction, my addict . . .” Yes! been there . . . done that. This is an insidious disease. Please note, however, that there is no secret here. Believe me, he knows how you feel.

...continued in part 2

Next: Putting Out the Flame of Desire (Part 2)

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